the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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