i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
