I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
