i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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