yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
