no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
