dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
