I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize