I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
All I want is dick and wine.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
