Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
