So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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