I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
tell me about the eggs
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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