I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
