You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize