When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
