dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
