can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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