dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
