I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize