i just sent this text using only my big toe
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
