Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
