he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
