Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
