so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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