dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
