I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
