Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
