Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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