Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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