My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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