Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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