Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
