do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Randomize
