If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
