even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
