dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
