My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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