And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
