I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Randomize
