You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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