This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
