Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
