Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
