I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize