I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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