Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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