I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
