you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
