Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
