i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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