I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
