In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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