Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
