he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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