hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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