It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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