I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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