You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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