i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
