my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
