Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
