The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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