i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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