ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Randomize
