my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
